I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
