chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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