Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
