who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
