Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
After last night, I could never be a politician.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
