I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
wow bdsm is so cute
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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