Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
