i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
