I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
