Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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