YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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