you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Well I just put wine in my tea
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
