I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
