So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i was born a porn star she said
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
