i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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