I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
