She is in my trunk
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
