My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Randomize
