and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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