My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
