I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
As shirtless as possible
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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