Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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