my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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