everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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