i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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