he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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