I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
