I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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