He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
