I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
