My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
