I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The uberlube is also flammable
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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