I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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