Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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