I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
