I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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