Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
