The maid of honor just puked.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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