Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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