The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
