Taylor Swift is so right about you.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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