I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I met the friendliest cop last night
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Someone signed my nipple.
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