the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
