I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
