Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
