Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
its liver damage thursday
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
