i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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