you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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