She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
