Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I lost the right to judge tonight
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
