Someone shit on the floor
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
